He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize