he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
