I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
