he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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