At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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