I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
