Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize