There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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