I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
