I wish my penis had an off switch
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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