Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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