i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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