Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
