somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
