I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
