Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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