Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
