Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
