He asked to "fluff my boner.."
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize