Whatcha textin bout Willis?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
