I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize