I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
