Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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