and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
