So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
i believe in u and ur pee
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
