The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
