i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
thus making me awesome and them whores
she looked like the before picture.
why do cheetos always look like penises
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
