ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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