i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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