I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
