Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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