Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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