The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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