eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
