Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
