If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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