I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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