I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
