Three words: puerto rican gang bang
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
