The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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