I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
