Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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