Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize