Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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