ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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