I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
