Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
