Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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