I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
