Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize