If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Liz is crying about burritos again.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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