the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
