So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
