I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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