I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
