I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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