chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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