What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
