apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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