i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
