The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i need some magic done to my vagina
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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