Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
