Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i love accidental penises.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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