It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
