If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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