gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
