I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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