That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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