9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
