Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
