I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
