Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
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