At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
