I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
