i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
