My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
