I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
