i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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