Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Jerry, you need to find god
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize
