I smell stomach acid.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
