What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
