im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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